You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
You Might Also Like
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
This bar smells like my childhood.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Some people were born into their job.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems