[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room