5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Time for evil
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.