Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
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MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
you will never know the true number of layers
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end