Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
twitter is a journey