*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
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Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I have questions??
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
A great tip. #CakeRex
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.