“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
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Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Real House Wines.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Said the murderer.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey