Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
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My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
All excellent questions
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….