I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
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I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
she has a point
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.