Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.