Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
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Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.