My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken