Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
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“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?