[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
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I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.