I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
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I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising