Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.