Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
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Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
finally found a reasonable question
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.