You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I think about this a lot
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns