ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
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I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….