I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Everything reminds me of my ex
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail