This is always good for a laugh.
You Might Also Like
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
…..pretty much.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again