Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
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Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?