Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
You Might Also Like
yes, those are my real potatoes.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.