This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building