Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
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I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.