amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?