Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
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HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I feel seen.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I love the honesty
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125