[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Doggies just call it style.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.