How software testing works
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Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I have a new favorite meme page
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Oh no
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.