Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
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Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
*praying for world peace*
God:
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”