Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
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Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Jail
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.