Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
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You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?