Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
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at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??