Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
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Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
fired
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
A ghost story
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
🙅🏻
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered