If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Story of my life…..
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.