them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
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Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Pikachu found the lost joint
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH