She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Lmbo
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
*checks Timeline*…
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”