wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I’m not proud
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?