If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
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Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs