spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
May have had one breakfast too many
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.