The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
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Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Breaking news:
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”