ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
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luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
inventing words: clothing
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
my dad has had enough
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Grandmother clock.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
wow
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*