Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
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Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?