Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
You Might Also Like
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
When I snag the last meatball.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Y’all ready for this
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️