*gets down on one knee*
You Might Also Like
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
You got this…
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
s
oc
i
a
l
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.