*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
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At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
God, I love Scotland
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.