You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
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Animal poetry
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day