I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
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*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy