Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

A leaf blower, but for people.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?