u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
You Might Also Like
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru